Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
