my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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