Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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