I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
