I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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