so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
