dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
