I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Dear god my vagina.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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