38 yer olds are good kisserssss
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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