Im at strip club and am horny
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
