been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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