I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
