Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
