He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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