Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I think I have vodka in my lungs
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I have already put on my inside pants.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
