Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
