This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
how does that bad decision feel?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
