I think I won the penis lottery.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
