I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
