Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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