i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
