Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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