WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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