I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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