I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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