Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
