we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
