at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
