Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
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