She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
