A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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