my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
