with your own penis?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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