im six kinds of drunk right now
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I am midnight drunk by noon
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
