I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize