life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
