at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
