..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
