dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
