Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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