they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
