are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
