You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
