Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
