At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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