i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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