I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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