I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
