due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
