Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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